Have you ever heard about BDSM practices? Or maybe your partner came up with the idea of trying something new? Before diving deeper, you should understand what BDSM is really about, the principles and rules, and what you can explore together.
Also, it is important to learn how to keep things safe and consensual. You may be surprised, but BDSM is about mutual trust, communication, and deep connection. And when done right, it can be an unforgettable experience.
What BDSM is and isn’t?
The term BDSM is actually an acronym that refers to involved activities and relationships – Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. BDSM includes a wide range of both sexual and non-sexual practices and power dynamics. Therefore, BDSM sex itself can take many forms.
Many people often get the wrong idea of what BDSM is about, confusing it with some kind of abuse or dominance without consent. You have to keep in mind that consent is a foundation here. Everyone chooses their roles and has control, thanks to using safe words and respecting boundaries.
BDSM focuses on power exchange, mutual pleasure, exploration, and sensation. As previously mentioned, it doesn’t always have to be about sex. For some people, BDSM is entirely about power exchange, trust, or sensation without any visible sexual context.
BDSM in movies
You may have stumbled upon the subject of BDSM by watching the movie. But you should know that the portrayal of BDSM in movies can be stylized or distorted. Reality is not always like that. One of the most famous movies that we are sure you’ve heard of is Fifty Shades of Grey. The Fifty Shades trilogy is an adaptation of the books by American author E. L. James.
Although it was commercially very successful, it is often criticized for its unrealistic and irresponsible portrayal of BDSM. A viewer who knows the essence of BDSM may notice the lack of mutual respect and clear communication, misrepresentation of consent, disrespect of boundaries, using manipulation, and insufficiency of aftercare, in particular.
If you want to see a movie that gives a more realistic view of this topic, we recommend watching Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader in leading roles.
Roles in a BDSM relationship
Probably the best-known among the general public are the terms Dominant (Dom/Domme) and submissive (sub). Dominant is the one who gives instructions and exerts physical or mental power, while the submissive obeys and follows the lead. You may also have come across the terms Master and Mistress, which are usually used for Dominants in long-term relationships.
Some people are Switch, which means they enjoy both being dominant and submissive (depending on the circumstances). In the detailed article, you can explore more specific terms for various BDSM roles.
How do you find out which role suits you the best?
The first step is to explore honestly your deepest desires and fantasies. Do you enjoy being in control and leading or being controlled and following? Would you like to give or receive orders? Have you ever fantasized about restriction, pain, serving someone, or being praised? You can discuss these questions with a partner you trust if you want.
Another option is to take a BDSM role test online. There are some good quizzes, such as The BDSM Test, that can give you a clue as to what role you’ll feel most comfortable in. You can also try visiting some BDSM forums, joining local events, or online discussion groups.
Are you ready for some safe experiments? If your answer is yes, you can try out different roles. Keep it light and playful, and communicate with your partner. Then try to answer these questions:
- What felt natural for you?
- What turned you on (and off)?
- What made you uncomfortable?
- What would you want to try again?
- What would you do differently next time?
Contracts in BDSM
Have you ever heard of contracts in BDSM? It is a term for negotiated agreements that outline the expectations, boundaries, and responsibilities between participants, typically between a Dominant and a submissive. Although this kind of contract is not legally binding, it helps to ensure that everyone involved is informed, respected, and safe.
What can you often find in a BDSM contract?
- Roles, such as Dominant and submissive, and also any specific titles
- Duration of relationship (short-term, long-term), and eventual trial period
- Hard and soft limits
- Safe words
- Rights and responsibilities
- Details about discipline and correction
- Agreements about privacy and discretion
- Specification of aftercare
Safety in BDSM: Consent and safe words
Consent is one of the most important things in BDSM because it ensures that all participants are engaging voluntarily and informed. It distinguishes healthy, consensual kink from abuse or assault. BDSM practices, such as bondage, impact play, and roleplay, can carry physical or emotional risks.
Consent is about understanding the limits and potential consequences and agreeing to them. It also helps protecteveryone involved from misunderstandings and legal issues.
Consent is not just about saying “yes” or “no”. It is about communicating needs and respecting them throughout the interaction. Consent transforms BDSM from something potentially harmful into something deeply intimate, empowering, and respectful.
Safe words in BDSM
The term safe word refers to a code word or phrase that can be used to communicate during a BDSM scene. It works as a kind of stop sign (or slow-down sign) whenever needed. Even if you trust your partner completely or think you don’t need a safe word, it is still an essential tool of a respectful BDSM relationship. Always agree on safe words and signals before any play begins. Why?
During intense scenes, it can be hard to tell if someone is genuinely in distress or just playing a role. Safe words speak clearly. They allow anyone to stop a scene the moment they feel too much pain, any emotional or physical discomfort, or simply want a break.
There are some common safe word systems. One of the most popular is so so-called Traffic Light System. Green means“Everything’s good, keep going.”, Yellow means “Slow down, I’m nearing my limit.”, and Red means “Stop everything immediately.”. It is intuitive and easily remembered.
But some people like to pick a custom safe word, something they don’t commonly use, so it stands out when being said. For scenes where speech isn’t possible, it is crucial to establish nonverbal safe signals.
Honesty and transparent communication are the key
Every BDSM relationship should be built on trust, mutual respect, and informed consent. Therefore, honesty and transparent communication are essential to keep the dynamic safe and enjoyable. Discuss with your partner what’s okay, what’s not, your hard and soft limits, and your fantasies. Saying “no” or using a safeword is not a failure, weakness, or disobedience. It’s a natural part of any healthy BDSM relationship.
BDSM Practices
The spectrum of BDSM practices is very wide, and it’s not necessary or common to engage in all of them; everyone has different preferences. Bondage can involve rope bondage (like shibari), handcuffs, chains, blindfolds, and other restraints. Discipline focuses on rules, control, and punishment.
Dominance and submission involve various power exchanges. Sadism and masochism are about giving or receiving pain or intense sensations. It includes spanking, caning, whipping, needle play, wax play, electric play, and CBT (cock and ball torture). BDSM also includes roleplay, fetishes, psychological play, and highly risky edge play. You can find the full list of all practices in this article: BDSM Practices and Kinks.
What feels intense to one person might be gentle to another. It’s also not necessarily sexual for everyone involved. For some, it’s about power, sensation, emotional connection, or exploration. Keep in mind that some advanced practices can be quite dangerous if done by amateurs!
As an amateur, you should first do your research, learn the basics, and avoid risky practices (like breath play or rope suspension) until you’re well-trained or supervised by someone experienced. We have a detailed article on how to get started with BDSM (if both participants are in favour) separately. And there is also an article on how you can tell your partner you would like to try something like this.
BDSM sex toys
Some tools and toys can be important in BDSM, but their importance depends on the specific tastes and the type of play. Toys like vibrators, paddles, floggers, and restraints help create physical sensations that many people find significant to BDSM.
Tools like cuffs, ropes, blindfolds, and gags can deepen power dynamics, and equipment like collars, leashes, or thrones may reinforce psychological aspects of dominance, submission, or ownership. While using various tools and toys, you should always ensure their quality and safety.
On the other hand, many forms of BDSM, such as psychological dominance, require no physical tools at all.
Common BDSM toys and tools
Every BDSM category has its specific tools and toys you can use. In bondage, there are ropes, cuffs, blindfolds, and tapes. In impact play, there are floggers, paddles, and crops. And of course, you can use your hands too. In sensory play, you can stimulate different sensations with ice, feathers, wax, and pinwheels.
We don’t have to forget roleplay gear, such as collars, gags, masks, and costumes, that enhance power dynamics or fantasies. And there is also specific furniture for some BDSM plays, like spanking benches, and St. Andrew’s cross.
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If you would like to purchase the tools and toys that appeal to you, check out the separate section where we have trusted sex shops.
Aftercare in BDSM: Why is it so important?
Aftercare is the emotional and physical care provided to a partner after a BDSM session. It helps both (or all) parties transition safely and comfortably from the intensity of the experience. Aftercare is important for emotional processing because it helps regulate intense feelings and maintain trust and intimacy.
It also helps physical recovery, because after some activities the body may need rest, hydration, and soothing. Some people may need extensive care while others prefer minimal interaction. Always discuss what your and your partner’s idea of aftercare is before a session.
Aftercare commonly includes
- Emotional support (reassurance, cuddling, affirmations)
- Physical care (water and other drinks, snacks, applying lotion or ice packs, bandaging, etc.)
- Mental decompression (quiet time or the other way around, talking about what happened)
- Simply being present and attentive while the other person processes the experience.
Have you ever heard about Subspace?
It is a mental and emotional state that a submissive may enter during a BDSM scene, especially intense physical or psychological play. Subspace is often described as an altered state of consciousness, something like a deep meditative state or trance. A submissive may feel euphoric, “high”, and vulnerable, unable to communicate verbally. Flushed endorphins and adrenaline can decrease pain sensitivity.
What does subspace have to do with aftercare? Coming out of subspace can feel like a crash. That “drop” can involve fatigue, confusion, sadness, or vulnerability, so physical and emotional aftercare helps the submissive to cope with it and return to a normal mental state.
And again, we must mention here consent and safety. Because subspace can impair judgment or responsiveness, dominants need to be attentive, experienced, and respectful of the sub’s limits and signals.
BDSM in Pornography
Some people start exploring the world of BDSM through books and movies, while others might have a partner who introduces them to BDSM ideas. Couples might explore it together out of curiosity. But it is pretty common that many people first come across BDSM through porn.
Porn can make you curious about dominance, submission, bondage, or other practices and you might want to try in real life. But you have to keep in mind porn often distorts the true nature of BDSM relationship. It can give you unrealistic expectations.
Porn vs. real-life BDSM: What’s different?
Let’s be honest, porn is about entertainment and visual excitement, not an instruction how to do things. It often skips over crucial parts of BDSM, such as consent and aftercare. Performers in porn are professionals and they have scripts, cuts between scenes, and often high pain tolerance.
You don’t see the full context on screen. Real BDSM involves much more communication. Consent is critical, and this can’t be highlighted enough! Also, real-life experience often includes aftercare to emotionally support both partners afterward. And you will not see this in porn.
Many things you can see in porn, such as intense flogging, choking, and bondage suspension, can be dangerous or simply not enjoyable for most people. Real BDSM is deeply personal. It’s about connection, trust, and power dynamics more than cool visuals.
BDSM communities
There are many online and offline communities where BDSM enthusiasts share experiences, learn, and connect. These communities can be a place to explore BDSM safely.
If you are looking for a BDSM social network, you can check out FetLife, where you can join groups based on interests, location, and activities. There are also some great subreddits on Reddit, such as r/BDSMcommunity and r/BDSM. These forums allow anonymous sharing of stories, questions, and advice.
If you prefer meeting people personally, try to find some BDSM parties, workshops, retreats, and other events in your city. Look online for local BDSM clubs or community centers. Be always aware of your safety! If you’re new to the community, start by attending public events and be cautious when meeting people from online spaces.