In every healthy relationship, it is so important to be able to communicate about your sexual desires. Well, that’s the theory, but you may feel it is easier said than done, right? Maybe you are in a new relationship and don’t want to scare your partner off. Or maybe you’ve just discovered, after many years of a happy relationship, that you would like to explore something more kinky in bed.
We understand you may be afraid of being judged and worry about how your partner may react. But taking courage is worth it! After all, many people have various kinky fantasies, and you may discover your partner will be happy to experiment. Let’s explore some useful tips on how to have this important conversation together.
First, do your homework.
Before you open this topic, you should know exactly what you want to try with your partner. Having at least a rough idea is helpful when talking about your desires. Answer yourself first what aspects of BDSM turn you on the most and why. What would you like to try for a start? What would you like to feel? Once you have a more accurate idea, you will be able to explain it better to your partner. Be ready to answer your spouse’s questions about BDSM as well as about your own desires, such as what you want to do and why this idea arouses you.
How to start and navigate the conversation
The right timing is important, of course, as well as the setting. Don’t start this conversation in the bedroom if possible. Talking while walking outside or relaxing at home can be much easier. The goal is to make both of you feel comfortable and respected during and after the conversation. This topic may trigger various emotions, from confusion and hurt to excitement. Therefore, approach the conversation about BDSM with empathy and understanding as much as you can.
While talking, focus on the two of you and what you would like to feel with your partner. Remember, you can’t force your sexual desires on your partner, but you can get them excited about a little experimentation, at least in many cases. Assure your girlfriend or boyfriend that consent, trust, and respecting boundaries are crucial in BDSM. In conversation, focus on exploring new sexual experiences, together and with love. Listen carefully to what your partner has to say.
Make a list together
Discuss the desires and boundaries. We recommend that you write down a list of practices and rate each activity with “yes”, “no”, and “maybe”, both of you individually. Then snuggle together and go through the list. It may be fun, and you can learn surprising things about each other. How does your partner feel about your desires and vice versa? If you’re lucky, you’ll discover some new shared interests. It is also important to figure out your boundaries and set limits. Be open and honest, that’s the only way it can work.
Don’t forget on safe words and aftercare
Yes, the safe word is necessary. You can come up with a unique word that neither of you don’t usually uses in the context of sexual play. You or your partner can use that word to pause the scene whenever you need to. You can also use the popular Traffic light system with its colors that indicate three stages – green means “keep going”, yellow means “slow down”, and red is “stop it immediately”. Discuss these with your partner before any BDSM exploration. Also, don’t forget to talk about what aftercare should look like. What needs should be addressed after?
It’s time for a little experiment
Have you succeeded in getting your partner excited about experimenting together? Well done! But the important thing is not to overdo it at the beginning! Keep things light and playful. You don’t want to scare your significant other off. Make your first joint BDSM experience as pleasant as possible. You’ll still have plenty of time to dive into more advanced things. After you’ve tried new kinks, share your feelings, what you liked, what you didn’t like, and what you will try differently next time.
What if your partner is just not into it?
Did the outcome of the conversation not go the way you wanted, and your partner seems to be pure vanilla? First of all, don’t panic! If he or she answered “I am not into this kind of stuff”, it doesn’t have to mean there is no chance for experimenting together. Many people can be open to at least some kinks even though they’ve never tried it before. It may take time and more than one conversation. If you are honest and kind with each other, together you can grow sexually and explore new experiences. Avoid any pressure, and maybe your partner will surprise you with a suggestion to try some new practices later.
But there are, of course, people for whom this is an absolute no. In that case, you have to accept that your partner has different ideas about sex. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to split up (although it may end up that way eventually), you can try to find another solution, such as exploring some kinks on your own without a sexual context or having an open relationship. An honest conversation is always the basis for finding a common solution and making choices to protect both of your happiness.